Yes.. I started living again.. Since some years I was/am never happy with the way I'm living.. For an year I was not happy because of my job, for a couple of years because the girl I desired to share my life is not interested to share her's with me.. After that, I was not happy because of myself.. Its 1 year 2 months that I started thinking about Myself and the research is still going on.. In all these phases I am never a happy man.. The only relief for me is cigaratte, whisky and Ram Gopal Varma's blog.. The formers help me to forget myself for sometime and the later realizes me what and where I am. Here I am putting two articles from RGV blog which influenced/inspired me a lot.
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Work
We are born, we are tended to by our parents, we go to school, spend years getting educated without having the faintest idea of what exactly education means, and the day we truly understand it our education would have been finished. We only realize the value of the so-called education when we are given a position to apply it in a practical sense and most of us would be pretty much lost. That is because the emphasis our parents put on us was to get marks and never on education.
So to get marks we, by heart, we copy, or study specifically towards questions what we think will be asked or study studiously so as to get distinction but not even having a thought or an idea in hell, how and where we would be applying most of what we study. It amazes me that throughout my growing years not once did my parents or teachers tell me that the purpose of education is to get knowledge and marks are just a proof to an outside world that you do have that knowledge. Due to their insecurity and also their own ignorance or over looking of the purpose, the thrust they put on us was always to get marks which hopefully could result in better jobs.
And then when we get a job the thrust on us will be to work hard in pretty much the same way as how they thrust education. My grandfather who was a Civil Engineer used to hammer into me to work hard both in my studies and when I was doing a job in the construction of Krishna Oberoi Hotel in Hyderabad. He told me that he used to wake up by 4.00am everyday throughout his life. When I asked him how come some guys who wake up at 10.00am are more successful than him, he used to get angry.
I wanted to tell him that it’s not about 4.00am or 10.00am and it’s also not about what you do in the time that you are awake but it is about how you are feeling when you are doing that is what the point of life is all about, but for fear of being slapped I resisted that as he was a pretty aggressive man. I believe that if you are constantly doing what you are doing just because you are told to do or because of your fear of tomorrow or because of commitments and responsibilities you would have truly lost the whole purpose of being alive.
Life is but a cycle of, we are born, we grow up, we get married, we have children, we make them grow up, we make them get married, we get old and then we die. God or nature or whichever thing, gave us life is only to surely take it away and as long as it is ultimately only that, why not just make the best of it.
My people keep telling me that I work too hard. In reality I never worked in my life. Work is something I define as what you have to do. But if you want to do it, it becomes a pleasure and I always did in my life only what I wanted to do. The trap of programming society puts us in and religion and morality create in us a guilt for whatever we love, and a fear of rejection and failure and the constant pressure of raising to expectations.
As long as death is inevitable there is no question of any of us having a state of permanent success. Life in itself is a process, for example in my college days I used to sometimes have problems with raising 40 rupees and today sometimes I have a problem in raising 4 crores, but what I feel about it in that particular state of mind is exactly the same. Everybody thought I made a bad film in Drohi but it’s only because of Drohi I met Urmila and it’s only because of Urmila I made Rangeela. It’s only because of Sanjay Dutt’s arrest Nayak got shelved and everybody either sympathized or gloated depending on their relationship with me over the misfortune without realizing that it will resurface as Sarkar. So in effect everything in life is connected. A present day success can be the start of an impending failure or vice-versa. So as long as everything is so uncertain, why worry about it and just do what you feel like doing at every single moment of your life.
‘Forget yesterday, live today and fantasize tomorrow’ is the motto of my life and it has always been that ever since I was an unruly kid, and a so-called irresponsible youngster and an erratic and eccentric adult.
With the first money of about 2 lakhs I got for my first movie, my grandfather was after me to buy a piece of land in Jubilee Hills to secure my future and I went ahead and spent it on the interior decoration of a rented office which I anyway was supposed to vacate in a few months time. My grandfather predicted to everyone that I will be a massive failure because of this attitude of mine. Throughout his life he worked very hard without once thinking what exactly he is working towards. I failed to explain to him that the few months’ pleasure I would get in staying in that office with a décor of what I want to experience was much more than my fear of what will happen in the future if I become a failure.
If all your work is geared towards securing yourself against failure and death why live at all?
Re-work
Many commented on whether I would speak or behave like this if I was not successful. The word success itself is highly relative. People constantly live in either a fear of losing or in a hope of gaining. There’s no such thing as an absolute state of success. I have always been successful and that’s nothing to do with my film career. Success is something I define as to be able to get up in the morning and do what you want to do till you sleep. That does not mean that you should want to fly or rule empires. It could be anything which your capability permits and your intelligence submits.
Yes, you have your family, relationships, obligations etc. But if you want to take care of them and stand by them, you are doing what you want to do. In reality most people act and do things out of compulsion by others or within themselves rather than really wanting to do so.
I never claimed that I became successful because of this attitude of mine. All I had said was that I had the courage to bear the consequences of the decisions I took. Many of my decisions went wrong, in fact most of them. But what cannot be taken away from me is the pleasure moments I experienced in that process. By the time the result of a certain decision came about I was already into the pleasure of moments of other decisions and this has been the circle all my life.
If you are on a dry beach and you want to reach a beautiful looking island in the distance, you can make a decision to swim across or go in a boat on maybe take a plane or just fantasize that you are there on that island or psyche yourself that you are better off on the dry beach itself. But what most people will do is to constantly worry about whether there might be sharks in the sea or the boat might sink or the plane ticket is too expensive or what if there is a sudden storm, and thereby remain bitter, frustrated and fearful all their lives.
I weigh the consequences and think of the logistics and plunge in even if I don’t know swimming. I will either learn to swim or sink in the process but what I will not do at any cost is to stay put. After 2 big flops Antham and Govinda Govinda I packed my bags to Mumbai and made Rangeela. But Rangeela could have turned into a flop too. When I made so many flops how would I really know how to make a hit? Flops and hits happen by themselves whereas the only thing I can really make happen is to make a decision to make a film. For instance after all the effort and courage if I manage to reach that beautiful island, as soon as I step on it I could be killed by a lion there whose existence I don’t even know about. Not once am I saying that I know everything about what will happen. I just want to do things that I want to happen.
Once while we were travelling in a car, a guy very concernedly gave me a theory that 50 years from now we are going to have water wars in the world where everyone will die. I told him that at the next turn on the road we might be hit by a truck and die, and frankly I am not concerned about what happens to the world one second after I die. But if you truly worry about the water wars instead of sitting here and worrying why don’t you go and do some scientific research to solve the water problem. If you don’t know science then atleast work as a tea boy to the scientist and contribute. But I know you would not do that as then you won’t have time to do your umpteen other activities like going to the discotheque, cinema and indulge in bitching sessions. And on the other hand if you truly constantly worry about the world being finished in 50 years, what if a smart scientist comes up with a solution in the 49th year and then you would be the biggest fool for wasting 49 years of your life worrying off.
Most people can’t differentiate between worrying and thinking, Worrying is negative energy and makes your mind run in circles breeding depression and frustration whereas thinking makes you reach a decision and the decision you reach will result in work and if the work does not result in what you wanted from it, all you have to do is Re-work.
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the above two posts may not appeal for each and every individual.. For, those who think the above points make sense go and start living and others.. wake up, go to your job, work for some hours, come back, sleep with your partner if you have and then keep worrying...
